Friday, December 16, 2011

A moment in reality

One moment you just wake up. Snap out of it. Who knows how long it will last. I could be right back in it in a moment. But while I am here, in reality I might as well take a look at what I am doing to myself, because lets be honest this isn’t happiness. This is the short cut, immediate gratification with no regard for my future mental or physical health. I living recklessly to fill a void that I long ago decided to pretend wasn’t there. I get inklings of emotion in the few moments that I let myself sit still and be sober. Watching TV or movies I see people with meaningful relationships and passion, and I remember that’s something that I once wanted. Maybe I still do. Is it okay to want to be numb? To be tired of dealing with so many god damn emotions all the time. I didn’t choose to be this way. I didn’t ask to feel so much. I don’t even know what I want anymore. But one thing is for sure, I am lacking all sense of balance in my life. My partying has begun to consume me again. My health is deteriorating, I am always tired, always looking for my next fix of something, doesn’t even matter what it is anymore. I just want to feel nothing, which usually leads to feeling like I want to die. I can see the rotation of emotions all too clearly now. Its almost Christmas, so ill drown my sadness brought on by the holidays with hatred for all things involved and drink it all under the table till its all over. Then ill let my mania take me for a ride and pray to god I don’t try taking my life or worse winding up in a crazy house again. Oh joy how I fucking love my insanity.